Monday, Dec. 7 was the day we found out that Bobby would have to have six chemo. treatments instead of three. I'll be honest, we were so hoping for just three and so many others were hoping and praying with us that it took me aback a tad for about an hour or so. We had gotten the news from Vanderbilt by phone call from a nurse and so this was not the best way to have news like that delivered. We knew that six was very likely, but so were hoping for three. I was disappointed, I cannot lie. Mostly all through this I have been so at peace and okay with all the news, but that one hit me a little hard. I couldn't really hide it from Bobby. He was in his recliner and I was in my wing back (our usual chairs) I guess everyone has "their chairs." Anyway, we talked a minute and I just couldn't put on that happy face. I was somewhat down.
Bobby told me that I couldn't get down and I just told him that I was sorry, but I could not "fake it." I went over to the recliner and he let the recliner down and I got on my knees and laid on his chest for 30 minutes or so before he had to leave.
Bobby had a District Football Banquet and left the house about 4:50 or so and that gave me time to get alone with God and surrender once again to the reality of what we were facing. God is faithful and after a couple of phone calls and me crying out to God to not abandon me now I was back with my eyes on Him and at peace.
Now, I realize that God does not abandon me. His word is truth and He tells me that He will never leave me or forske me. He tells me in Ephesians that I am sealed by His Holy Spirit. I realize the facts and I believe that for my life, but it was just the way I felt for that moment. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, " God, you're not going to abandon me now are You?" The very next words out of my mouth were "No, God I know you are not." I then proceeded to tell God that I desperately needed to hear from Him. I so needed to hear Him speak to me. I sat down in my bedroom chair where I read alot and took out a devotional book called, "Search my Heart O God" by Kay Arthur. I turned to that day's entry, Monday, Dec. 7th and began to read. It was just as if He was speaking right to me, well, actually He was.
Here is part of what I read, " Have you yearned for someone to take you by the hand and walk you safely through the traumas of life? Do you long to rest in someone's arms? In each of us there is a longing for the spiritual. And we're never more aware of it than when we come up against something we cannot control. Dear one, there is One who is always available to listen, to guide, and to mark your life with the imprint of His own. God wants to speak to your heart right now through His Word and by His Spirit. Won't you spend time with Him, praying and reading His word, letting Him speak to you?"
When I finished reading, I knew God was speaking. I did go to Him in His word and He was once again so faithful and so amazing to set my eyes back on Him and off the circumstances and the peace flooded back into me. This took place over an hour or two in God's word with different verses or passages coming into my mind. I then leaned my head back in my chair and began to pray for some others going through some things and then fell alseep. I was later awakened by the slight hum and vibration of my cell phone in my pocket. It was my friend Tracy checking in on me. What would we do without friends and family who love us and encourage us and pray for us and with us, even on the phone.
One of the scriptures that I was reminded of that night was in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. It's the passage where Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh. Back in Sept. 2008 I believe that God showed me something from that passage and I had written it down and dated it in my bible, not realizing that it would help me over a year later in this situation. Anyway, when I turned to this passage verses7-9, Paul speaking, " And because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to buffet me- to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I entreated the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
What I believe God had shown me back in Sept. 2008 and He encouraged me with Dec. 7, 2009 was the part, "And He said to me" Paul had asked God three times to take the thorn in the flesh away and He did not, but when God spoke to Paul, when Paul heard God's voice, when Paul knew God was speaking to him, Paul was okay. Same with me, same with anyone. When God speaks to us, we are OKAY. Friends are wonderful, family is precious, but absolutely nothing comforts like when God speaks. I know so many of you can relate. I know you can. You've shared with me your own experiences.
Once again, I emphasize if you have read my other blogs, I am learning, I have not arrived. As Paul says in Philippians 3:12, " Not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus."
He's speaking, are we listening?