Update

Wow! over a month and a half has gone by since the last time I posted.

I thought I would write a little update of what is going on in our lives.



We made a trip to Vanderbilt back in May for Bobby to have a CT scan to make sure everything was still clear. The scan was still clear, no lymphoma showing. Soooo happy.



The next scan will be in August. Scans are a part of our lives now and we truly have just learned to be okay with it.



Bobby and I talk quite often about how he feels. When he finished his chemo we were told it could be 3 to 6 months before he felt "normal." I would ask him every once in a while how he felt. I would say, "do you feel normal?" or "tell me on a scale from 1 to 10 how you feel."



I'm not the only one who asks Bobby how he feels or how he is doing.



If I am in the other room and he gets a phone call I can sometimes over hear him answering someone on the the other end of the phone asking him that same question, " how do you feel or how are you doing?" If we go out to eat often people will come up and ask that same question, " how are you feeling or how are you doing?" Often at church friends will ask Bobby how he feels or how he is doing. It seems wherever we go someone will ask him how he is doing or how he feels.



Now from my past experience when I was asked a question over and over and over, it often became a tad on the annoying side, just a tad, mind you. I might be thinking, "oh, don't tell me I am getting this question AGAIN." Can you relate? I know that you can.



BUT, I must say, this has NOT been the case this time. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is SOOOOOO encouraging when friends, family, or people we might not even know that well, take the time to ASK how Bobby is doing or how he is feeling. It is humbling and amazing to us. I hope I never ever take it for granted the love and care shown to us. There are not words to express our gratitude.

There needs to be a new word created and put in WEBSTERS to describe the outpouring of love we have experienced and continue to receive.

You might be asking that same question yourself. "How is Bobby doing, how IS he feeling?"

Well, I am happy to say that not long ago I asked Bobby that question AGAIN myself and he answered, " I feel "normal." I feel the way I did before the lymphoma." That answer was precious to me that day. Hope it sounds good to you, as well.

Taking this journey one day at a time.

Imagine

Do you ever just sit with yourself and IMAGINE what it's like to be someone else. I don't mean just anyone else, I mean a person who actually exists. Maybe you know them in "real life" or maybe they are someone you've seen on TV or the movies, or maybe it's someone you have read about from history.

Or have you ever IMAGINED what it's like to be an animal. I remember when I was younger we used to ask one another, "if you could be any animal what would you be?" I usually never answered the same. I'm fickle that way. Most of the time I would say chimpanzee (so cute and funny), sometimes I would say horse (so stately and beautiful and strong, yet scary to me), sometimes I would say dog (man's best friend of course).

Sometimes I sit and think of the people in scripture. I mean I linger and let my mind IMAGINE what it would be like to be them. I imagine their voice, and their smile, and their frown, and their smell, and their size.

I kind of got a portion of this idea from bible teacher, Beth Moore. In some of her bible studies she will kind of IMAGINE what it might have been like for various people in scripture in various circumstances.

Sitting quietly is not my strong suit. Just ask anyone in my family or anyone who knows me well. But when I do reign myself in and choose to deliberately let my mind IMAGINE or think on people in scripture and what it was like for them, it just brings God's word to life for me.

I had a student at school today ask me to recommend a book of the bible to her. She is actually in my Sunday school class and she had her bible at school. I am so proud of this young lady for wanting to read God's word. I suggested Philippians. I love that book. Anyway, she took me up on it and when the time for reading ended she basically said to me that it was unreal how Paul could be so happy while in prison. I mean this man was joyful while being locked up. She had connected with Paul in some way. I was thrilled.

Taking the time to let my mind go to that prison cell and feel the temperature and smell the smells and touch the hard ground and imagine the sounds and then IMAGINE what Paul thought when he closed his eyes at night and what he said to God in the low times and what he hoped and prayed allows me to understand Paul more.

I've written before that we can never really "walk a mile in someone else's shoes", but we can try to put ourselves in those shoes, metaphorically speaking. We can try to understand their joy, their pain, their sorrow, their anger, their bitterness, their jealousy, their doubt, their fear, their happiness, their grief, their burden. I'm still learning to do this. At this point, I am a novice.

I failed miserably at this recently with a friend who lost a loved one several years back. She was sharing about her continued grief and pain these several years later and she had shared this many times and most times I had truly been empathetic, but this day, oh, I was not. I held my feelings in and I smiled and consoled on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to shake her. Shouldn't she be farther along in this process by now. I mean it's been a few years now. Come on, let's get with the program.

I totally failed as a true friend. I did not try to "walk a mile in her shoes." I wanted to throw those shoes off her and put a pair of dancing shoes on her and say get up and get on with it. I thought, "haven't you been like this for LOOOOONG enough?"

Maybe a smidge of what I thought is true, but there was no compassion, no love, no caring, just judgement.

If I had allowed my mind to really listen as she shared and IMAGINE the hurt and what it is like in her circumstances and tried to feel what she was feeling I would have looked more like Jesus inside than my own judgemental self. OUCH!!

Bobby and I go back in the morning for his CT scan. Scans are in our future for a while. The last scan in April showed no cancer and we were and are grateful. He continues to gain his strength back little by little.

I hope to "put myself in Bobby's shoes" tomorrow and IMAGINE what each experience is like for him. Of course, I will have to talk to him about it all and ask a bunch of questions. I won't leave it all to my imagination. :)

Prayerfully I will look more like Jesus on the inside this time than my own judgemental self.

Milestones

Well, it's been a spell since I have written here. I assure you life is happening, but formulating that into words for this space is another matter entirely. I just noticed that the last time I wrote a blog was March 10th and it is now April 4th.

As the the "old timers" used to say, "my, how time flies." I seem to be saying this myself a lot lately so I guess that officially makes me an "old timer." I think that's not so bad, in fact I'm in pretty good company if I do say so myself.

The month of March is known for its windy days, but this March ended with a BANG for us. The last day of March, the 31st was Bobby's last chemo!! Like I put on my "facebook" status a few days back, "can you shout, DONE!!!" (thanks for the cake, Franky and everyone) We started on Dec. 16th and ended on March 31st. What a journey.

We've traveled some winding roads and at times it's gotten narrow and the trail has gotten steep, we've slipped down a few times on some rocky paths, but never fallen over the edge, we've grown weary, but we've never given up.

The most beautiful thing to me about the whole journey has been that we have NEVER been alone. Never, not once. We've had each other, we've had family, we've had friends, but most of all we've had God.

We realize that this is just one milestone in this journey and that there are scans in our future for a while and doctor's visits for a time, but once again, what makes all of that not just okay, but REALLY okay is the fact that we are not alone.

We return to Vanderbilt at the end of April for another PET scan and a doctor's visit at the end of May. We hope and we trust that those visits will continue to show NO cancer as the last PET scan did, but one day at a time is how I've learned to live and I don't want to backtrack on that now.

One more time I say thanks, we say thanks. All the encouragement and prayers and caring and love is appreciated more than you can or will ever know.

Life is like...

In the words of THAT great philosopher, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." For the two of you reading this that may not know who I am referring to, it was Forrest Gump from FORREST GUMP fame, you know best friend of Bubba and Lieutenant Dan.

This journey with lymphoma has kind of been like that, yesterday, in particular. We had no idea what "we were going to get."

Bobby and I left out at 5:15 a.m. to anxiously go to Vanderbilt for his fifth round of chemo and more importantly have a PET scan to see how effective the chemo had been.

We knew and have known that so many were praying and supporting and hoping and waiting with us. Every time we think about all the love and support and caring that has engulfed us it is just more than humbling.

In review: the type of cancer Bobby has is diffuse large B cell Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and we were told by our doctors that this type of lymphoma has a 65-70 percent cure rate with chemo. We know several with this exact lymphoma that have shared their stories with us and others we've heard about that have been cured with chemo and then we know others who have eventually had to have a stem cell transplant.

Throughout this journey I have and continue to learn to live one day at a time. I know I sound like a broken record or your half minded crazy neighbor who keeps repeating themselves, but truly it has been the difference in me living with peace and not peace.

The focus of my trust in Christ and living as He says in His word one day at a time is the key for me in this journey.

So, when we knew that the SCAN DAY was coming up we discussed how we felt about it and what we thought the results might be, but I must say, we both just pretty much just trusted God and set our minds to be okay either way, "whatever we got."

When we got the good news that the preliminary reading of the scan showed NO CANCER it was couched with a disclaimer that the scan would be read more carefully and there could be a one in a million chance that they would find something on further reading, but that the chances of that happening were next to impossible.

We were happy and thankful and Bobby's brother, sister-in-law, and sisters who had come up to support us were thrilled.

I was excited to text and call friends and tell them the fabulous news always with that disclaimer that this is what the scan is showing now and that more scans are in our future. There will be another scan three weeks after his last chemo and then scans every three or four months for the first year and less as the years pass.

So, you see, why one day at a time is the motto of my life NOW and should have been all along.

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." Unless you do like my mama always does and poke all the centers or take a bite and put it back (sorry mama for ratting you out) I'm laughing.

As someone well said, "I know NOT what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future."

Thankful and held.

Little Things

This weekend a friend, Beverly and I went to Lenoir City, TN to a prayer conference. While there one of those things happened that happens to all of us in life. I call them the "little things", but after this weekend I realized I need to rethink that term.

Okay, let me try to explain myself or as Ricky Richardo (Lucy's husband) used to say "splain" myself.

I've kind of mentioned this before in previous blogs, but it's just so neat how we are all alike, but different and we all live in different bodies and have different life experiences, but similar.

This "little things' thing is one of the similar things that I believe we all experience at one time or another.

You might be saying, "what are you talking about?" "Little things?"

Well, let me "splain" (rhymes with Spain).
You are coming out of a store and your arms are loaded down when someone races ahead to open the door and hold it open for you
or you see a precious baby in a restaurant of a complete stranger and you catch the parent's eye and tell them that their baby is beautiful
or you're leaving a CROWDED TN or AL or (insert your team here) ballgame and traffic is insane, bumper to bumper and a car stops and motions you out ahead of them
or you're walking down the middle of the mall and you trip on NOTHING (don't look at me like that, you know you've done it, too) and some bored guy sitting on a bench waiting for his wife catches your eye and you both laugh
or you tell someone that that color really looks good on them.

Those are what I've been calling the "little things" Not so sure that I would call them "little things" anymore.

Okay, back to this weekend in Lenoir City. I was in this session at the conference with a small group of about 10 or so and there was just this very brief mention of what Bobby and I are going through. I mean very brief. Just a quick mention that "my husband has lymphoma and God has been so close and given us such peace." That was it. Just super quick and we moved on. I knew no one in the roon at all. I was even at the front of the room facing forward with everyone else sitting beside or behind me.

At the end of the session I left the room to meet up with my friend, Beverly when a gentlemen walked up behind me and got my attention and asked, "what's your husband's name?" I told him that his name was Bobby. He went on to tell me that he was part of the prayer ministry at that church in Lenoir City and that he wanted to pray for him and wanted to add him to their prayer list. Wow! how humbling and unexpected.

It may seem like a "little thing" on the surface, but a closer look reveals something completely different.

Here was a man who obviously has a tender heart toward God. He was vulnerable enough to approach someone he didn't know so that he could show kindness and concern to someone he doesn't know and to her husband he's never seen.

Calling that a "little thing" just seems wrong.

There have been soooooo many "little things" done for Bobby and me in the last four months that are not "little things" at all. I have written about several of them in past blogs.

Each of these kindnesses and acts of love and concern has been embraced and cherished and appreciated and used to bless us and humble us.

I don't know what the new terminology should be for "little things", but I know I want to become one who does more of those things in others lives. May it be so.

Wrong Entry???

Today was Round Four. For those new to this blog, my husband, Bobby has Large B cell non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and today was his fourth chemo.
Two left.
As he says, "the snowball has been pushed up the hill and is now going down the other side."
Not a bad analogy especially with all the snow we have been getting here in TN lately. :)

Last night I decided to get my journal out and write down some of the scriptures that have been the most comforting and sustaining and helpful during this four month journey. (Now don't picture one of those fancy, neatly written journals that have daily or even weekly entries. My journal is soooo sporadic. I may write a few days in a row and then not have an entry for a month or two or even a year)
I wanted to have all of the scriptures written together in one place so that I could go to them at anytime easily and quickly. Some of these passages were sent to us by family or friends on e-mail or card or facebook and some were scriptures that I found while studying or reading on my own. Nevertheless, God has used His word to speak peace and comfort to me, to us.

Here are two I wrote in my journal last night.

Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:13 " For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand who says to you Do not fear, I will help you.

Bobby and I got up fairly early this morning in order to leave the house by 5:50. Bobby's mom was going with us this morning and so we wanted to go a few minutes early to swing by and pick her up, but before we left we prayed and read from our devotional book.

We read from our devotional book that has been so comforting and helpful during our journey. It was first loaned to me by my friend Tracy and then I finally ordered a copy for us. I've mentioned and quoted from this same book in an earlier blog. The book is entitled Jesus Calling and is by Sarah Young.

Early this morning as I opened our Jesus Calling devotional book and read today's entry it said,
" I AM WITH YOU. These four words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair. Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience. But the promise of My presence limits how far down you can go. Sometimes you may feel as if you are in a free fall, when people or things you had counted on let you down. Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically. Instead of bemoaning your circumstances, you can look to Me for help. You recall that not only am I with you, I am holding you by your right hand."

One of the main truths, if not the main truth that has been such a comfort to me and given me the greatest peace is the truth that God is with me, with us. We are not alone. There it was in black and white again this morning. It was even in all capital letters. "I AM WITH YOU."
Once again, we were comforted. And then to continue reading and there it was, " I am holding you by your right hand or with My righteous right hand." The same phrase that was used in the scriptures I had written in my journal last night. God is so good.

As Paul Harvey would say, "Now for the rest of the story."

Just about 2 minutes ago. Seriously, as I was about to type the above paragraph I discovered something. This morning I opened our devotional book to the place our ribbon book mark was and I read the date at the top out loud to Bobby and myself that said, "February 18th."

Just as I was typing the above paragraph I realized today is NOT the 18th, it is the 17th. I just discovered like two minutes ago that I read the wrong entry. If I had read the right entry for today I would have read the 17th.

The entry for the 17th, today started out, " I am the risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging."

Nothing wrong with that entry, but not quite what we needed this morning.

Oh, my goodness!!!!!

I read the wrong entry today. Today's entry was Feb. 17th, not the 18th. I should have read the other entry.

I read the WRONG ENTRY, I read the wrong entry, I read the WRONG entry OR DID I?

Parties

I've been to lots of parties in my lifetime and I am sure that you have as well. I mean we all have those photos in our baby books or parents' photo albums (I was born before the scrap booking revolution) of us at our first birthday party with our cake in front of us and being given permission to destroy our lovely cake with our hands and smear it all over our face and everything else while others smiled and giggled with delight. Wonder what would happen if I tried that on my 49th birthday??

Parties are something we all have experienced over the years. Whether it be birthday parties for little ones, or birthday parties for older ones, or that infamous 4oth birthday bash where everything turns black, or the 5oth where everything turns blacker and everyone is laughing a little too hard at your "gag gifts." We've all been to the party with the black T-shirt with neon lettering that reads "OLDER THAN DIRT." My mama and daddy had that one for some reason and it is now hanging in my closet for future use.

Speaking of parties who hasn't been to the occasional retirement party or going away party(we've hosted two of those in our home in the last couple of years and I must say I am not a fan of those) I mean who wants to party when their friends are leaving and taking their kids with them. "You all know who you are." :)

Last night, Friday, Bobby and I went out to eat with his sister and mother and we had a great time.
Later that evening I kind of had my own party. You know the kind I am talking about. The kind of party where there is only one guest invited, one invitation sent, one person present and that person is you. There are no colorful and creative decorations. There are no yummy snacks. There are no people mingling around amongst one another. There are no games being played and no loud laughter.

I could never write mystery. I am sure you have figured it out by now.

This is A PITY PARTY. Yes, if you are old enough to read this I am sure you have been to at least one or two in your lifetime.

This is not the kind of party that you look forward to and buy a new outfit for.

This is not one of those parties where the guests leave soon after arriving before the party has a chance to really get going. This is the kind of party that has the potential to be an all nighter.

This journey that we are on is one that you don't wake up from. It is there when you go to bed and it is there when you wake up. MOST of the time I fix my eyes on Jesus and see the big picture and focus on God and see the positive and take negative thoughts captive and rein in the negative, but then there was Friday night.

Thank God my PITY PARTY was not an all nighter, but it lasted long enough that I sure know I don't want another invitation anytime soon.

After being a really bad guest at my own party all alone in my back room for a short while, I invited Someone else to the party. I invited God. I began to kind of whine to Him about all the stuff about this journey that I just did not like. I began to be honest with Him and just tell Him how I felt.
Thankfully, thoughts began to come in my mind about Jesus and how when He was on planet earth He went through lots.
All through this journey that has been one of things that has come to my mind most often. It is the suffering Servant, the Jesus who came here, went through life here, went through pain here, people talking about Him, often right to His face. If not to His face, then behind His back.

Jesus went through. He went through. Yes, Jesus went through. NOT AROUND.

What a comfort.

It looks like right now that Bobby and I are going to have to go through, not around. I am thankful that I have a God that is with me, that is with us. His Spirit comforts me, comforts us. He understands me, He understands us.

Next time I get an invitation to a PITY PARTY, I pray my RSVP says, "NOT AVAILABLE."

Hold Me Jesus

I don't really have a lot to share in this blog, but I wanted to share the lyrics to a song that I have loved for a while and before I do that I thought I would kind of share the back story.

I think it is interesting how one thing can lead to another which leads to another which leads to another.

Case in point, about four or five days ago I was listening to an interview with Phil Stacey, a former American Idol contestant and he mentioned the song HOLD ME JESUS by the late Rich Mullins. I love that song so much. I have heard it on radio over the years and every time I would hear the song it just resonated with me.
Anyway, after hearing that interview with Phil Stacey I went to the computer and looked the song HOLD ME JESUS up on You Tube and watched Rich Mullins sing the song. Of course, that led me to Google the lyric, which led me to researching a tiny bit about Rich Mullins' life.
Rich Mullins actually died in 1997 in a tragic vehicle accident. For those not familiar with Rich Mullins he was a Christian songwriter/singer. Some of his songs have been powerfully used to minister to so many including yours truly.
He wrote AWESOME GOD, CREED, HOLD ME JESUS, IF I STAND, MY DELIVERER, PRAISE TO THE LORD and many more songs that many may or may not be familiar with.
After doing all this research and looking all of these things up I went back to You Tube and there was a documentary about his life and one of his concerts in which he actually shared the circumstances for writing HOLD ME JESUS (the song I had originally You Tubed)
After watching the concert and documentary I realized that Rich Mullins was a guy that was willing to share honestly and openly about his struggles and failures and allow others to see that it was God's grace and mercy in his life that was what was the beautiful thing.

Rich Mullins said he wrote this song after an all night struggle in Amsterdam. He said on the concert tape I saw on You Tube that he wrote it as a prayer. I encourage you to You Tube the song and even the concert if you get a chance.

HOLD ME JESUS
Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

Chorus
So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

Chorus
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

Chorus
So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Can you relate? I certainly can.

Trust

Today was Round Three as I call it. We left out about 6:15 or so for Bobby's third chemo. On the drive out on 412 the sky to the east was just so pretty. Bobby drives up on chemo day and I drive back, we actually got in a little "debate" on the way up about that because I said that three weeks ago when we went up for his second treatment that I drove up and back and he said NO, he drove up and I said No, I could prove it and I went on like "Perry Mason" (I know, it dates me) presenting my case. I was so SURE that I was RIGHT.
Of course, the prosecution got his chance to present his case and unlike "Perry Mason" I did not win.
As we continued our ride we started around the by-pass in Columbia for those familiar with the area.
As all married couples do, I suppose, we ride in silence some and talk some. We brought along a little devotional book entitled, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young that my friend, Tracy loaned us as we travel this journey and so I opened it and read the entry for today, Jan. 27th.

It reads as if Jesus is speaking, "Trust is a golden pathway to heaven. When you walk on this path, you live above your circumstances. My glorious Light shines more brightly on those who follow this path of life. Dare to walk on the high road with Me, for it is the most direct route to heaven. The low road is circuitous: twisting and turning in agonizing knots. There the air hangs heavy, and dark, ominous clouds predominate. Relying on your own understanding will weigh you down. Trust Me absolutely and I will make your path straight."

After reading we began a short discussion of "how do we know that we are actually trusting God in all of this." Bobby said he knew because God is Who he has turned to, Who he has run to and I said that I knew that I was trusting God, because the peace I have and the "okayness" that I have right now and all through this is not natural for me. We both talked about the peace that God has given us. Peace is priceless. I think I have written in another blog about the peace of God being so precious and an actual reality. I am most thankful!

The scripture that has been our main stay that I have written before, but it never hurts to write again is, Philippians 4:6-7 "be anxious for nothing, but in all things by prayer and petition with thanksgiving make your requests known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

That peace was with us in the doctor's office today. That peace was with us in the chemo room today. That peace was with us at the Cheesecake Factory afterwards. Peace was with us on the drive home, and peace will be with us later this evening even if Bobby doesn't feel great. Peace is with us because Jesus is with us.

Learning and growing in peace. Shalom

Tears

Ever have one of those things happen, whether it be dream state or awake state or somewhere in between, you're not really sure. Well, that's what happened to me early this morning. I'm not sure of the time. It "felt" as if it may have been in the four o'clock to five o'clock range.

I tried to express it to Bobby this morning before we got out of bed. We were lying there talking and I was just a chatter box. I mean I was just going from one topic to the next. I had so much to share. Anyway, I was trying to share with him about this dreamlike/awake thing that had happened earlier.

Basically, I cannot describe it well because I'm not clear of it myself. It's like when you awake and you have been dreaming, but you cannot remember the dream, but you know it was good and you want to remember so badly, but it will not come to you. It's like that but different.

Now that I have you thoroughly confused. :)

Here's what happened. I had a dream and I think it was about someone going through a tough time. I think the girl was going through some traumatic event. Anyway, the next part is the part I am not sure if I was dreaming or not, but I CLEARLY had the thought, "CRYING IS NOT A LACK OF FAITH, IT IS A RELEASE OF PAIN."

After I thought/heard that CLEARLY, I woke up or came out of that semi dream state and I just knew I could not forget that thought, "crying is not a lack of faith, it is a release of pain."

I kept saying it over and over in my mind and I wanted to get out of bed and write it down, but the warm covers felt so good and I could not get the motivation to step out of bed and get paper and pencil, so I just kept saying it over and over so I would not forget it.

I believe those words were for me in this journey we are on.

Something you have to know about me. I am a crier. I have no problem crying. I am not ashamed to cry most of the time. Crying is a cleansing. Crying helps express emotions too deep to express with words, crying is therapeutic, God gave us tears.

But, I think the words, "crying is not a lack of faith, it is a release of pain" came to me to let me know that if I cry about this journey we are on or if I have a time where I am not 100% rock solid and there is not a broad smile on my face 24/7 it does not mean I don't trust God. I believe it may have been from God. The words sounded so profound to me at the time. They sounded so comforting and so beautiful. I was so thankful for the words. They were such a comfort to ME.

Our tears allow us to pour out our hurt to God. God sees our tears.
Psalm 56:8 in the New American Standard version says, "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
The KJV says, "Thou tellest my wanderings: put Thou my tears into Thy bottle: are they not in Thy book?"
The New Living says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book."

My take away from all of this is God sees my tears and cares. Once again I am assured that He is with me and on this journey with me/us. I for one am most grateful

Pass the KLEENEX, Please.

Special Day

This is the first time that I have sat down to blog and I didn't really know exactly which direction I was going to go.

Today is a special day. It's Bobby's birthday. He's going to KILL ME for telling y'all that. I didn't really have anything in particular to write, but because it's Bobby's birthday I just felt a need to write, so we will see what develops.

Who would have "thunk" when we met in 1979 in college that we would be on the journey we are now on? When you are young and when you are in that naive stage of thinking, things like lymphoma don't enter your mind or they didn't enter mine.

I tried about 2 weeks ago to find a copy of our wedding vows. I have one somewhere, I think. I looked where I thought it was and it wasn't there and so I am not sure I even have a copy, but I do remember our vows were the very traditional vows that you have heard many many times and many of you have vowed yourself.

I remember "to honor and cherish in sickness and in health until death we do part." Maybe not in that exact phrasing, but that was in there.

Sickness and in health. We basically went a little over 26 years in the HEALTH and now we're dealing with the SICK. I must say it is not what I "signed up for." I was praying the other night in one of those times when Bobby did not feel that well and I just told God that this is not what I "signed up for."

Just as I was typing this, I realize it IS what I "signed up for." Remember my vows, "in SICKNESS and in HEALTH."

In that movie that many of us LOVE "Steel Magnolias" there is that great line that says, " I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

Well, I've had way more than 30 minutes of wonderful. Bobby and I talk sometimes about how we have lived longer with each other than with anyone else.

On this my husband's birthday, if you could look into my mind and read it you would see that I can honestly say that I would rather be with Bobby and Christ on this journey living one day at a time than any "Yellowbrick Road" that Hollywood could ever imagine.

You can keep your Emerald City, Yellowbrick Road, Munchkins, and Rainbow in OZ and I'll stay right here in the hills of TN with my "birthday boy."

Job's friends

In my last post I mentioned that I had asked Bobby how to help one of my friends who is going through a tough time right now and he had whispered in my ear to be a good listener.
Right after that I had been preparing for my Sunday school lesson out of the old testament book of Job. I decided to do a quick reread of the entire book. Just kind of a quick refresher of the book.
That's when I noticed something I had seen before, but in a fresh way.
For those not familiar with the story of Job, Job was an upright man who feared God who lost his ten children, his possessions, and health, boils covered his body from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. He was having a tough time.
Very early in the story he has three friends who come together to visit Job.
Chapter 2:12-13 says, "And when they lifted up their eyes at a distance, and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe, and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great. Chapter 3:1 says, "Afterward Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth."

Now, the fresh thought that came to me:
I had noticed in the past how the three friends rallied around Job and how they were with him and how they said nothing but were just PRESENT with Job. The part I am kind of speculating on and I don't know if this was the case because Chapter 3 verse 1 says, "Afterward Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth." I had always looked at this as the three friends sat with Job and they all, including Job were silent while Job was suffering intense pain and anguish. That very well could be the case. It seems to say that.
But, since Bobby had said to me that the way to help someone through a tough time is to "be a good listener." I thought Job could have been talking. He could have been sharing with them all that had happened. He could have been pouring out all the agony and all the anguish and all his feelings and the three friends could have been listening and then in Chapter 3:1 "Afterward, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth." Afterward, meaning after all his sharing.

No matter which way it was, Job's friends came. Job's friends were present. Job's friends agonized with him. Job's friends empathized with him. Job's friends attempted to comfort.

These three friends started off well, but with time it kind of went downhill.

If you read the entire book of Job you will see each friend trying to explain all of this and give Job advice of what to do. Bad advice it turns out. Much of the book is Job and the friends going back and forth with one another. Nothing the friends say is really helping Job.

Nothing is helping Job until God speaks.

When God speaks then Job is okay.

Same thing I wrote about in another blog about Paul's thorn in the flesh in 2 Corinthians and how when God spoke Paul was okay.

2 Timothy 3:16 says, "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for rebuke, for correction, for training in righteousness."

I believe this was God confirming to me again what Bobby said about being a good listener. That's tough for someone who spent most of my fifth grade year in school writing off for TALKING and then in high school getting two paddlings for TALKING. I spent many years being told "Sue Ann, you are too loud." I have been called the mouth of the south in my younger days.

You know the old saying, "God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason."

They say, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Who is "they" anyway??

Now, to learn to listen. To close my mouth and learn to LISTEN. I am getting the message, now to obey.

Random Thoughts

My Max Lucado "Walking with the Savior' calendar for January 15th said, " Life is too big to be resolved in one day...just take the challenges that come your way one day at a time."

Has Max Lucado been reading my mail? Thanks, Max for another reminder to live one day at a time.

Last night Bobby and I were talking about all the encouragement that we are receiving from so many people, many of you reading this right now.
Whether it be cards, e-mails, facebook, calls, etc. Then Bobby said something in a way that I had never heard before.
Those of you who know Bobby know about his "Sharpisms." Maybe I will share some of those on here sometime. I can hear some of you that know about "Sharpisms" laughing NOW.
Anyway, I digress, back to my point. This was not a "Sharpism." This was just a neat way of saying something. Bobby said, "encouragement comes from all corners."
I never thought about it like that. From all corners. I loved that. Encouragement comes from all corners. I think that would make a good "calendar" entry.

We continued to talk and I was asking him how I could encourage a friend of mine who is going through a rough time right now. Bobby said, " Do you really want to know?"
I thought, well YEAH, that's why I asked the question. He then got right next to my right ear and whispered real low, "BE A GOOD LISTENER." Not only was what he said good and what I needed to hear, the delivery was pretty profound as well. To whisper really low in my ear "to be a good listener." The point was made.

I know this was kind of a ramble, but it was just a few neat things that blessed me in the last day or so and I thought I would share.

Feeling

I don't know why, but there is something to be said for having others share the same experience as we share. I mean, when I am joyful and something amazing has happened it's neat to have someone else that is experiencing that same joy with me.

For example, when the Lewis Co. Panthers win, it would not be quite as much fun without the other coaches' wives, fans, players, coaches, and parents there experiencing the same thrill.

Some of the Alabama fans out there know what I am talking about. That National Championship victory was celebrated together with others and it just made the victory that much sweeter.

On the other side of the coin, when my team loses it's comforting to know that folks are hurting with me and understand "how I feel." Just ask the Texas Longhorn fans.

I'm the first to admit that we cannot really ever know how another person is feeling or know exactly what they are going through. The old saying, "walk a mile in my shoes or moccasins" is not entirely possible. But, we do go through similar circumstances and as someone has said "we are all more alike than different"

The other day my friend facebooked me this very truth about Jesus that He "felt compassion." Yes, Jesus felt. He feels.

A few months ago one of my friends experienced a tragedy in her life. Something unexpected and unplanned. I remember one morning praying for my friend and while I was praying I just began to imagine the circumstance that happened to her and I tried in my imagination to "go there" and tried to live what she might have gone through. I tried to "feel" what she might have felt. I must tell you I had never really done this in prayer before that I can remember. I wanted to "know" what she was feeling and what it must have been like and what she must be going through.

Now, I realize that it was not completely possible for me to experience what she felt or know exactly what she experienced, but let me tell you, taking the time in prayer to attempt to "feel" her pain, her hurt, her emotions, her anguish just made my heart more open to God while I was praying for her and made my prayer more desperate on behalf of her.

This journey that Bobby and I are on is one that will be a total WASTE to go through and not become more caring and compassionate, more feeling.

I soooo want to be moldable. God is the Potter, I am the clay.

I want to learn to walk through life and be willing to not turn away from the hard stuff because it hurts too much. I want to learn to hurt with others. I want to be moved into ACTION.

May it be so. Growing and learning.

What's better than...

Today on facebook I was chatting with my friend, Kat(Kathy) who is also a teacher, but not here in Hohenwald. Anyway, I typed, " what is better than a snow day." You think students get excited about snow days? Have you ever been around a group of teachers when the news is sprung that "we are going to be out" of school the next day?

Oh, my word!!! We get just a tad happy. Now, like my niece Clare would say, "and your point is?" My point is that got me thinking about that phrase, "what is better than."

So here are some "what is better than's" that came to mind. . .

What is better than a snow day

What is better than two snow days

What is better than a snow day on the day you are supposed to go back after Christmas break

What is better than a huge diet coke in a glass glass with ice and a straw

What is better than girl friends all gathered 'round late at night bent over with laughter

What is better than a good cry

What is better than a scalding hot shower on a COLD January morning

What is better than the alarm going off and hitting snooze

What is better than laughing once again with "old" friends about old stories that you've heard too many times to count

What is better than hearing the garage door go up and knowing your loved one is home

What is better than thinking it is 8:00 p.m. but it's really only 7:00 p.m.

What is better than reading in a book something you had felt and thought but never could have articulated and knowing that someone else thinks like you

What is better than sharing conversation with someone else who is going through what you are going through

What is better than good friends praying together

What is better than seeing the back of a bus (said by teacher Ruth on the last day of school as the buses were pulling out of the school for summer break. She actually said what is more beautiful than the back of a bus, but I changed it to better fit this blog :)

What is better than having a God whose lovingkindness never ceases and His compassions never fail (Lamentations 3:22)

What is better than getting a card in the mail from a good friend

What is better than the sound of your husband sleeping when sleep has eluded him so often during this journey

What is better than watching your husband enjoy every single bite of a huge breakfast at Cracker Barrel knowing that his appetite won't be up to par the next several days after chemo.

What is better than secretly squeezing my husband's hand 3 times and then him squeezing mine back 4 times

3 times = I love you

4 times = I love you, too (we stole that idea from Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen)

What is better than your football team winning and winning BIG

What is better than a comfortable seat when your feet are killing you

What is better than knowing God is with you

What is better than learning contentment in the midst of the journey

What is better than "if God is for us who can be against us" Romans 8:31b

What is better than ________________ Your turn. You fill in the blank


I'd love to hear some of y'all's blanks if you'd like to facebook me.

You Never Know

Yesterday, Wed. Jan 6th, we were at Vanderbilt for Bobby's second chemo. Before the chemo. treatment we had a doctor's appointment. While waiting for the appointment with Bobby's oncologist I noticed something.

First of all the appointment was scheduled for 10:15 a.m. We actually saw the doctor at 12:15. Yes, that was a TWO hour wait. Of course, that was frustrating, but if not for that wait, I would have missed something. Something that I think God wanted me to see.

You see a lot when you're waiting to see an oncologist(cancer doctor).

The place was packed yesterday. The waiting room was spilling over out into the hallway area that also has an area for waiting. We ended up in that hallway area. Bobby and I were talking while we waited, but then I also had my trusty Ipod shuffle (I'm getting a "big girl" Ipod soon) with me and decided to put one of the earpieces in and listen. A young girl went by. Actually she was an adult woman, but at my age I call just about everyone in their 20's and 30's girl or boy. I didn't really pay much attention. I looked up a little while later and she was standing in the area where patients check in. I could see her body and hair, but not her face. What I noticed was she was dressed really cute with jeans and boots and her hair was gorgeous. I thought to myself how pretty her hair was. She had long auburn color hair and it was stunning. I assumed she was there with a patient.

Anyway, I went on with listening to my Ipod and talking to Bobby and waiting and when I looked back up, she was gone.

FINALLY, we were called back to see the doctor. The appointment went really well and the doctor was very honest, yet encouraging. When we left his office we had to go back up front and schedule Bobby's next appointment. While waiting to do that, this "girl "came around the corner with who I assume was her husband. That's when I saw her from the front. She was a very cute "girl" probably about 22-25 years old. Her hair was gorgeous just like I said, but that's when I noticed something that I had not seen earlier. Her hair was not HER hair. It was a WIG. She was the cancer patient. She was the one that had lost HER hair and had on a wig. She had not been there with a patient like I had assumed earlier, she was the cancer patient.

I said earlier that there was something that I believe God wanted me to see. It wasn't just a young lady in a wig he wanted me to see.

He wanted me to see that I never know what's going on with someone by just a quick glance. We can never tell by looking at what is on the outside what may be going on on the inside.

Here was this beautiful head of hair, but underneath there was no hair. What's really underneath the people I see everyday. Am I taking the time to find out? Soooo many times I do not. Most of the time I do not.

This was not something new that I saw, it was just another reminder to me to listen better, to take notice more, and to linger longer.

I realize that none of us can "save the world." We cannot help everyone. But in 2006 I found a quote that says, "everyone cannot do everything, but everyone can do something".

I have to ask myself the question again TODAY, "who is in my life that I need to listen to more, ask deeper questions of, LINGER WITH?"

Overflow

A quick update on Bobby. We went to Vanderbilt today to meet with our doctor and for his second chemo. Both went very well except for the slight frustration of having to wait 2 hours to see the doctor and then of course, that put us way behind on the chemo.
Bobby takes chemo every 3 weeks. He did quite well with the first round. He had somewhat minor side effects. Some nausea at the beginning, a couple of slight headaches at the beginning, a churning stomache a few times, and losing hair, plus a few other minor things. Overall, it wasn't too bad. We thought it went pretty well.
By the way, I am not sharing anything about Bobby with you that he has not given me permission to share.


This is one of those times when I sooooo wish I had an amazing gift of expression. I am not eloquent enough to express what I feel and want to say, but dad gum it (as Bobby would say) I am going to give it my best shot.

As I type this, I soooo wish you could see inside my heart and mind. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel for the outpouring of kindness, love, and support that we have and are presently receiving.

I said when I started this blog that I would never use any one's name without their permission, but it's a woman's right to change her mind or that's what I've always been told. :)

Having said that, if you see your name in here and you want it removed just give me a holler and I'll consider your request. :)

Back to the gratitude. I don't think there has been a day go by since we started this journey that we have not received a call, card, e-mail, facebook message, or visit from family or friend or even strangers to encourage us.

Every single time someone tells me they are praying for us or thinking of us or tell Bobby "so and so" I do my dad gum (as Bobby would say) best to tell him. I try extra hard not to forget. It is such a blessing for us to FEEL the love from soooooo many. I have said it several times, but it is the truth, it is soooo humbling.

I am sure the soooo's are getting on some of y'all's nerves, but you will just have to DEAL, because like I said I am not that great at expressing myself. But I digress.


Back to the gratitude.

Here is just a random sampling of some of the blessings that have been poured out on us in the last 36 hours only:

Bobby's uncle came by and delivered one of his favorite meals from Bobby's aunt. She has fixed this meal for him 4 or 5 times lately. The woman can COOK.

Last night Bobby was gone to the basketball game and while he was gone two former football players at separate times dropped by to see him. I hated he wasn't here, but he later talked to them by phone. One even came bearing a cake. Not just any cake, but a beautiful and I found out when he left,delicious butterfinger cake all wrapped up fancy with ribbon and cellophane with an encouraging message and scripture attached.

Three friends that used to coach with Bobby called last night, two called here and one called him on his cell. A man named Steve from Texas who is friends with Barrett and Katie(our friends) called Bobby. Steve went through lymphoma himself and has been a HUGE encouragement to Bobby. Steve also sent us a book and DVD. The book and DVD have been encouraging to us. THANKS, STEVE. Did I mention, we don't even know Steve.

I came home from Vanderbilt tonight about 8:00 and got on facebook shortly thereafter to find several messages from friends and family who said they had been thinking and or praying for us today. I cannot tell you the number of people who tell us they are praying for us. It is once again soooo humbling. I had 3 live chats before I started writing this blog from friends encouraging me and just letting me know they are praying and thinking of us. One was a friend from college who just found out tonight about Bobby.

A friend who used to coach with Bobby came all the way to Vanderbilt today to surprise Bobby and spend time with him while he took chemo. Thanks again, Chad.

All the coaches have been so amazing and supportive.

Phone calls from our family and friends are just a constant and welcome blessing and help.

Like I said that is just a random sampling of some of the wonderful blessings in the last 36 hours that make this journey easier for us.

We all know the Beatles' song, "I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends." How true that is.

I am so thankful that God has put people in our lives that are the hands and feet of Jesus.


Oh, how I pray that Bobby and I will be that as well.

One day at a Time

Just to kind of give you an update of what's going on with me lately, I've been thinking more and more about this living one day at a time thing. Some use the phrase living in the moment. Some say being present.

Anyway, in some of my other blogs I've mentioned that I am learning to live one day at a time or day by day.

Here's the thing, it's sometimes hard to get my mind around it, to know if I am truly living that way. I will be going along enjoying the day or dealing with what I need to do for today, but then an issue comes up about something later in the week and I'm like, "is it okay to think about that today or do we need to wait and discuss that later."

I'm telling you, if you didn't realize it already, I am kind of on the "weird side." I think some really crazy thoughts sometimes. I mean, is there really anyone else out there that thinks about these things and analyzes these things like I do???

Let me give you a recent example. This Wed, Jan. 6, we go back for Bobby's second chemo. treatment. He has been feeling pretty well the last week or so and really well today. We got to talking about the first chemo. cycle and how this second one will probably be similar or the same. We talked about what happened on each day of the first chemo. cycle and the way he felt each day, the different side effects he experienced, his appetite, etc.


Okay, here's the thing..... If I'm talking about all that stuff now before it happens, Is that living in the moment, is that living one day at a time? That's what I'm dealing with lately.

I realize you have to talk about things that are going to happen tomorrow. I cannot just NEVER discuss the next day's activities or plan for a trip or plan for something?

Bobby was saying how we should leave a little early on Wed. on the way to chemo. and eat at Cracker Barrel (who doesn't like Cracker Barrel) because he will be feeling good on the way up to his treatment and he is probably thinking ahead of the days food will not taste as good to him. We were discussing what time to leave and still get to the doctor on time.

During the conversation about Cracker Barrel I'm thinking, "am I living one day at a time?"

I know that in scripture Jesus talked about things that would happen in the future. There were lots of times that Christ made mention of future events and things that would take place and things He would do on another day. I don't think He says not to think or discuss the future, just not to be anxious or worry or fret or bite my nails, or not trust Him, or get so hung up on tomorrow that today I am MISERABLE. God doesn't want me in a big bundle of worry and fretting today about something tomorrow that may never happen. I think as I have been writing this, I kind of got my answer.

Well, like I said, I'm learning. They say when you stop learning, you might as well stop living. I don't know who "they" is, but that's what "they" say.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to stop learning. I don't want to stop living. I want to continue on this journey and learn as much as I can NOW, TODAY, IN THIS MOMENT DAY BY DAY, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Time

There has been much said about time. Some things that come to mind as I type are: Time marches on, Time waits for no man, Time is on our side, Time is running out, Redeem the time

Through this journey that Bobby and I are on, I am learning to savor time, to take one day at a time, and not to presume that I have more of it than I may really have. There isn't much good about cancer, but I guess one thing that you might say is good about it is, it is a wake up call to really look at what really matters in life and to appreciate all the little things that maybe I wasn't appreciating before. Things like walking hand in hand with Bobby in ice cold wind in NYC to look at Christmas window displays, things like the delicious taste of hot chocolate after coming in from that ice cold wind, things like a group taking up money for the homeless, things like a man squated with cardboard that read, "I'll take anything," things like a hug from a family member or friend, things like a little girl pulling a pink suitcase in the airport. Things I might have once just glanced at and gone on by, but now I stop and take notice and take action.

I'm not saying that I've got this thing down to perfection. Some of you know me too well for that. I'm not saying I don't still get upset and let things upset me. I'm just saying that I am more sensitive and more open and more aware of the blessings that God has and is pouring out in our lives. The fact that we got to go on our NYC trip that we had planned before we knew we would be on this journey is such a grace gift. We were so thankful to get to go and that Bobby felt so good on the trip.

Joyful 2010 to all. Time is marching...........